I need to start off by apologizing apparently my last blog may have offended some people. I write how I feel at the moment and it again is just my opinion, that doesn't mean it is right or that anyone has to agree with me. I am sorry if I offended you but again why blog if you cant voice your opinion.
So as I mentioned in my last post my husband is deployed and for some reason this deployment has been a lot rougher then the previous one, I am not sure why to begin with I thought it was the amount of stress we had in those first few weeks (which are always the toughest), and I thought maybe it was the short amount of time he was home between the two (but lets be honest is there ever a certain amount of that is long enough for them to be home?) And to be completely honest with you I really cannot pin point a particular reason why is has sucked so much this time but man has it. So I was laying in bed thinking of a good thing to post about at the particular stage in my life and the idea hit me, why not give you guys a peek into my head over the last few weeks, just a warning some of it is good and some of it not so much but really, I wanna meet the person that has the perfect day everyday?
When it came time for husband to deploy last time I hated the idea of him leaving but I was looking forward to the things it meant for our family, he was going to be able to finish some things that work was requiring him to do so that when he was home he could be "home" and not worrying about the many things he still had to do, and I was finally going to be able to know what going through a deployment was like, and to be "that" spouse one of the spouses who can sympathize with the ones of you that had missed their husbands so much, and like I said in my last blog I wanted to know that my husband had earned his promotion. That deployment meant alot for our family and it was rough, yes but there was always that bright side to the whole situation. With this one although yet again it has meant great things for our family but to me that just hasn't seemed like enough, go figure. With his first deployment I had friends that stood by my side whether they knew and understood or not what I was going through didn't bother me, now with this one I feel myself feeling secluded, maybe it is of my own doing but in my opinion there are 3 kinds of spouses 1.) the ones who know the emotions of a deployment 2.) the ones who know that eventually they will know the emotions of a deployment and 3.) the ones who will never know the emotions of a deployment (I refuse to go into any more details on that one). When Josh is deployed the only spouses that seem to be helpful during the emotional part of the deployments is spouses who fall into the fist 2 categories, the ones that fall in the 3rd in a way just seem to bring me down all the more and it almost seems like they enjoy that fact rather they know it or not. I have had to sit back and evaluate the people I had been spending my time with, which was really heard for me Josh has always been the kind of spouse who will hear me out and help me to make sense of the thoughts I am having and whether the decision is good or bad in a way he helps me make that decision and lets be honest who really wants to waste time on an international phone call whining because your friends seem to treating you differently, especially seeing as how they only know one side of the emotions, the last thing I want to do is put that kind of stress on Josh while he is going through his own part of the deployment. To my friends it seems like Iam the one being rude or distant and maybe Iam but in my eyes its the complete opposite. And maybe one day it will all make sense but as of now it doesn't, in any ones opinions but sometimes that is just how life works.
So far this deployment it has been few and far between but the few things I have found to be good in this deployment is that we do stand to be making more money then we do when he is here, that it gives me more of a chance to find that inner independent woman, I get to create friendships and new bonds with some very amazing spouses, and boy let me tell you the first few moments, days and weeks when he gets home are going to some of the most memorable days of my life (and I think we all know why), and I am so blessed to be able to look forward to falling in love all over again with one of the most amazing men and hero's I have had the pleasure to have in my life. When I think of those few things I manage to get through the days one at a time and ever so slowly the days tick by and soon enough my hero will home and back in my arms and I can think about that and go to sleep tonight with a smile on my face.
I love you Josh with all of my being forever... and ever!
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