I need to start off by apologizing apparently my last blog may have offended some people. I write how I feel at the moment and it again is just my opinion, that doesn't mean it is right or that anyone has to agree with me. I am sorry if I offended you but again why blog if you cant voice your opinion.
So as I mentioned in my last post my husband is deployed and for some reason this deployment has been a lot rougher then the previous one, I am not sure why to begin with I thought it was the amount of stress we had in those first few weeks (which are always the toughest), and I thought maybe it was the short amount of time he was home between the two (but lets be honest is there ever a certain amount of that is long enough for them to be home?) And to be completely honest with you I really cannot pin point a particular reason why is has sucked so much this time but man has it. So I was laying in bed thinking of a good thing to post about at the particular stage in my life and the idea hit me, why not give you guys a peek into my head over the last few weeks, just a warning some of it is good and some of it not so much but really, I wanna meet the person that has the perfect day everyday?
When it came time for husband to deploy last time I hated the idea of him leaving but I was looking forward to the things it meant for our family, he was going to be able to finish some things that work was requiring him to do so that when he was home he could be "home" and not worrying about the many things he still had to do, and I was finally going to be able to know what going through a deployment was like, and to be "that" spouse one of the spouses who can sympathize with the ones of you that had missed their husbands so much, and like I said in my last blog I wanted to know that my husband had earned his promotion. That deployment meant alot for our family and it was rough, yes but there was always that bright side to the whole situation. With this one although yet again it has meant great things for our family but to me that just hasn't seemed like enough, go figure. With his first deployment I had friends that stood by my side whether they knew and understood or not what I was going through didn't bother me, now with this one I feel myself feeling secluded, maybe it is of my own doing but in my opinion there are 3 kinds of spouses 1.) the ones who know the emotions of a deployment 2.) the ones who know that eventually they will know the emotions of a deployment and 3.) the ones who will never know the emotions of a deployment (I refuse to go into any more details on that one). When Josh is deployed the only spouses that seem to be helpful during the emotional part of the deployments is spouses who fall into the fist 2 categories, the ones that fall in the 3rd in a way just seem to bring me down all the more and it almost seems like they enjoy that fact rather they know it or not. I have had to sit back and evaluate the people I had been spending my time with, which was really heard for me Josh has always been the kind of spouse who will hear me out and help me to make sense of the thoughts I am having and whether the decision is good or bad in a way he helps me make that decision and lets be honest who really wants to waste time on an international phone call whining because your friends seem to treating you differently, especially seeing as how they only know one side of the emotions, the last thing I want to do is put that kind of stress on Josh while he is going through his own part of the deployment. To my friends it seems like Iam the one being rude or distant and maybe Iam but in my eyes its the complete opposite. And maybe one day it will all make sense but as of now it doesn't, in any ones opinions but sometimes that is just how life works.
So far this deployment it has been few and far between but the few things I have found to be good in this deployment is that we do stand to be making more money then we do when he is here, that it gives me more of a chance to find that inner independent woman, I get to create friendships and new bonds with some very amazing spouses, and boy let me tell you the first few moments, days and weeks when he gets home are going to some of the most memorable days of my life (and I think we all know why), and I am so blessed to be able to look forward to falling in love all over again with one of the most amazing men and hero's I have had the pleasure to have in my life. When I think of those few things I manage to get through the days one at a time and ever so slowly the days tick by and soon enough my hero will home and back in my arms and I can think about that and go to sleep tonight with a smile on my face.
I love you Josh with all of my being forever... and ever!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Iam going though the big "D".... Deployment
So I want to start off by saying Iam sorry I haven't posted in awhile, when we went on vacation we got the news that my husband was deploying again 5 weeks after returning from a 2 month TDY :, ( So needless to say as soon as we got back to Shaw we had to get him ready to go again.
I once read a statement that one of my favorite authors wrote "...writing is based on feelings...". Had I wrote anything in the last few weeks, you guys would have had a multitude of feelings and most of them would make guys severely wonder what kind of woman my husband had married. I had to finally sit down and evaluate deployments and my feelings on them and let me tell you that was a gut wrenching experience.
Iam sure this is going to be a surprise to most people reading this but I hate deployments... does that mean I would change it? No I would not. I know how insane that feels, I hate the fact that my husband is gone yet again, I hate that I have to explain to my kids that daddy is at work and he won't be home for either of their birthdays, I hate that the only way I get to to see or talk to my husband is if I sit up until almost midnight and that because of the time issue my kids can't stay up to see their dad, and most of all I hate that every time I go somewhere I see people that are with their husband, and I instantly get jealous. But the pride that I feel for my husband, kids and my life, is extremely overwhelming.
At the end of the day the truth remains the same, this country did not get where it is today by sitting on our butts doing nothing. The military steps up and does things that others can not do for various reasons. Because of those two things deployments are incredibly necessary. In my personal opinion if a member of the armed services has not deployed or served their country from a location that they can not go home to the families that love them at night for more then a few months then they don't need to be promoted, no matter what your MOS (job title) it is needed of both side of the situation and to be honest our men and especially women of the armed services who choose to have a family have an entirely different stress level then those of them that have no one back home that they are responsible for and I for one would much rather have someone who know s and fully understands what is going through my husbands head handing down the orders, then to have some who has a decent amount of rank but has never been faced with the question "what would happen to my family if I don't come home?"
Maybe Iam being overly sensitive or emotional because my husband is separated again from his family but this is a life that it's members volunteered to join and if you enlisted in the military with the idea of never deploying then you enlisted for the wrong reasons. One of the things that my husband said to me before he left was "... this is what sets me apart from so many of the people we grew up with, the fact that Iam willing to go when and wherever they send me to makes me different then them..." Neither one of us like the idea that he had to leave the family again but in that statement I met a different side of my husband that I had never seen before. I married a wonderful man that is a great father and husband, at any chance he got to be with his family to took it and loved ever minute of it. After he made that statement I was introduced to the side of my husband who found it an honor to be asked to go and serve his country a man that not only stood up and said "take me" but that was excited to serve his country.
I often find myself thinking, we knew coming into the military that deployments were a (in my opinion) kind of expected thing. I mean to be honest if we met a recruiter that told us that he would never deploy we probably would have went to another branch simply because in our minds military and deployments we kind of the same word just different spelling. What was going through the minds of the individuals that have signed up and have yet to deploy. Don't get me wrong I understand family issues arise and I think it is great that the military tries to accommodate those situations but, what about the ones who don't have a family or family issues at the time and get to stay state side? I mean the day they walked into the recruiting office what was going through their mind? And you know really how do you ask someone that question? "You seem to be here for the wrong reason what was going through your mind when you were enlisting?" I won't let you guys know how that conversation goes, simply because I don't plan on hearing the repercussions of asking a service member that lol.
I miss my husband every minute of everyday and please don't misunderstand me but Iam so extremely thankful for him and the courageous men like him who despite how much they love their families, they love their country more. Iam also very thankful for the families of those service members who although they love their service member and may not like it they still respect and understand the fact that their service member loves their country more. If not for those service members we would not be the wonderful country we are today.
I once read a statement that one of my favorite authors wrote "...writing is based on feelings...". Had I wrote anything in the last few weeks, you guys would have had a multitude of feelings and most of them would make guys severely wonder what kind of woman my husband had married. I had to finally sit down and evaluate deployments and my feelings on them and let me tell you that was a gut wrenching experience.
Iam sure this is going to be a surprise to most people reading this but I hate deployments... does that mean I would change it? No I would not. I know how insane that feels, I hate the fact that my husband is gone yet again, I hate that I have to explain to my kids that daddy is at work and he won't be home for either of their birthdays, I hate that the only way I get to to see or talk to my husband is if I sit up until almost midnight and that because of the time issue my kids can't stay up to see their dad, and most of all I hate that every time I go somewhere I see people that are with their husband, and I instantly get jealous. But the pride that I feel for my husband, kids and my life, is extremely overwhelming.
At the end of the day the truth remains the same, this country did not get where it is today by sitting on our butts doing nothing. The military steps up and does things that others can not do for various reasons. Because of those two things deployments are incredibly necessary. In my personal opinion if a member of the armed services has not deployed or served their country from a location that they can not go home to the families that love them at night for more then a few months then they don't need to be promoted, no matter what your MOS (job title) it is needed of both side of the situation and to be honest our men and especially women of the armed services who choose to have a family have an entirely different stress level then those of them that have no one back home that they are responsible for and I for one would much rather have someone who know s and fully understands what is going through my husbands head handing down the orders, then to have some who has a decent amount of rank but has never been faced with the question "what would happen to my family if I don't come home?"
Maybe Iam being overly sensitive or emotional because my husband is separated again from his family but this is a life that it's members volunteered to join and if you enlisted in the military with the idea of never deploying then you enlisted for the wrong reasons. One of the things that my husband said to me before he left was "... this is what sets me apart from so many of the people we grew up with, the fact that Iam willing to go when and wherever they send me to makes me different then them..." Neither one of us like the idea that he had to leave the family again but in that statement I met a different side of my husband that I had never seen before. I married a wonderful man that is a great father and husband, at any chance he got to be with his family to took it and loved ever minute of it. After he made that statement I was introduced to the side of my husband who found it an honor to be asked to go and serve his country a man that not only stood up and said "take me" but that was excited to serve his country.
I often find myself thinking, we knew coming into the military that deployments were a (in my opinion) kind of expected thing. I mean to be honest if we met a recruiter that told us that he would never deploy we probably would have went to another branch simply because in our minds military and deployments we kind of the same word just different spelling. What was going through the minds of the individuals that have signed up and have yet to deploy. Don't get me wrong I understand family issues arise and I think it is great that the military tries to accommodate those situations but, what about the ones who don't have a family or family issues at the time and get to stay state side? I mean the day they walked into the recruiting office what was going through their mind? And you know really how do you ask someone that question? "You seem to be here for the wrong reason what was going through your mind when you were enlisting?" I won't let you guys know how that conversation goes, simply because I don't plan on hearing the repercussions of asking a service member that lol.
I miss my husband every minute of everyday and please don't misunderstand me but Iam so extremely thankful for him and the courageous men like him who despite how much they love their families, they love their country more. Iam also very thankful for the families of those service members who although they love their service member and may not like it they still respect and understand the fact that their service member loves their country more. If not for those service members we would not be the wonderful country we are today.
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