"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you"

How many of you have heard of the "comfort zone"? How many of you have made that particular place your permanent home? 

That's exactly where I found myself residing at the beginning of this year.  I order the same meal if we eat out somewhere, fixing the same meals for my family, absolutely content with where my life is and how everything was going.  What was wrong with that you say?  I mean you were content nothing was going wrong, at that particular moment, to most that would sound perfect and to me it was until one day at Wal-mart.  Josh had taken the kids out to the car while I stayed inside to check out, from where I was standing I could hear 2 kids screaming from the other side of the store.  After I got my stuff bagged up, i was heading out the door and I saw the clearance stuff and as anyone with a joint bank account knows that is a woman's kryptonite, so of course I went in, while I was looking around the screaming came closer until i looked up and saw an exhausted and completely drained looking woman with two very upset little boys, seeing as I am sure that I have had the exact same look a time or two I instantly felt sorry for the worry, not for the obvious reason but since we live in a town that is most Active Duty military or retired military it was an easy assumption that this woman's husband was deployed therefore rendering her the equivalence of a single mom for as little as six months.  I gave her a smile and a sympathetic nod and said a silent prayer for her and her babies.  A few moments later as I went to leave I heard the door greater make a statement to her co worker about the mother and it went something like this "all she needed to do was beat their asses".  And that is when it all started, I asked myself what the chances were that this Walmart employee had in fact mastered the art of parent, I mean she found the one trick that works on every child that makes raising them successful and approved by all?  Or was she just being extremely judgmental? To begin with my New Years resolution was just to make sure I am not being anything like that employee and stop allowing the negativity that comes with judgmental people in my life, I have to say those first couple of weeks of voicing my opinion and deleting people on Facebook was very liberating.  However I soon grew content again and it hit me that i wasn't doing enough to better myself, and then my resolution soon began to change I dint just want to not be judgmental I want to make myself better for both me and my family.  I started looking into things I had wanted for awhile and the top of my list was to lose weight.  After years of trying every fad diet there is, I decided I wasn't going to set myself up to fail again, I then started going through the profess of getting weight loss surgery.  Then came going back to school, I have put it off for years because I didn't know what I wanted to be when I "grew up". A friend of ours came to us and asked if Josh would be willing to officiate there extremely last minute wedding (2 days later),  it was to be a simple ceremony but there were still details that needed to be taken care of, and I LOVED IT!!!, it was then after planning my second last minute wedding i decided I wanted to go to school to be an event/wedding planner and designer.  through all of this one thing has been brought up to me, how are you going to do both?  Yes, i have 3 little kids, 2 of which do not go to school. And it hit me, if if it were it were easy I would have done it sooner, and in what world is making yourself a different, hopefully better person ever going to be easy?  Yes the surgery is helpful, but it is no way easy not only for the obvious reason, but also because the surgery is a tool, it isn't there to be the magic cure to obesity, for me it is a tool to allowing to finally be able to hit the gym and workouts and not feel like the only thing I am getting out of the deal is disappointment.  For years I have wanted to workout and enjoy the liberties of running and playing with my kids, I can not wait for the day when I can take my kids on a family vacation and be able to keep up with them without completely hat in myself for allowing it to get this bad.  So many times people see fat people and think look at them they do not take care of themselves, or look they are lazy Iam here to tell you that I in no way will ever make excuses I know I am obese and up until recently I was completely OK with it, i have everything anyone would want I have a loving husband, 3 beautiful kids and all the love anyone could ask for, however I also have one more thing I have a history of heart disease in my family, therefore making it more likely that I can't be around for my kids as I would like, so at this time in my life I have decided to change my future.  

School was a little bit easier to explained,  I remember watching the movie "The Wedding Planner" and thinking that looks like so much fun, your job would include all details, and decorations, to make sure that a person's day goes exactly the way they always dreamed it would.  All to often because of financial reasons or timing woman give up their "dream" wedding just so that they can be with the one they love.  Especially being a military family I see this happen all the time, deployments, TDY's and PCS's rush people into a "shotgun" wedding.  Why? I decided it is going to be my goal to try and still give brides to be the chance at their dream wedding even if it is last minute.  Is it going to save a life? No. Is it going to to be saving someone from the law, making sure justice is served or writing new laws? No.  I know its not going to make a lot of money and it will probably never considered "important" by the general public, but lucky for me the first part of my New Year's resolution made it possible for me not to care, I care about me and my family, and this is what makes me happy therefore making my family happy.  

i Have said all of this to say that I am know its not going to be easy and to honest I look forward to the challenges, I know that through challenges comes triumph, and I am ready to take the victory over there these hurdles in my life.  I have been so extremely blessed in my life that God felt the need hand me hurdles from a young age,  it is said that God never gives us more then we can handle, and I think due to the difficulties I have faced in my life I feel like I am more then ready for this set of hurdles, and I will come through and ROCK this.  I am also excited that I was blessed with a wonderful support system, everyone so far has been wonderfully supportive, not to say there has been no concerns but it was all the while concern for me and my health.   

Hopefully by this time next year I will be a new person all the way around, I look forward to  the exciting things that are coming for my family and getting to know the new Jeni.

The Core Values

WOW is the only thing I have to say about this post, in doing research on Integrity for a blog post I came across the USAF core values and it opened up a whole new can of worms so to speak.

Many Air Force spouses have heard of the core values, Integrity first, Service before self, and Excellence in all we do. We also know all to well how those core values transform our lives as a married couple all three of those are the reason we spend so many nights alone and days raising our families on our own, knowing our husbands hold those traits to high importance is why we know the answer to the never ending question of "I don't know how you do it?" However so many spouses believe that those are our husbands values not really ours to live by. But let me ask you this... How good does an Airman look if his life lacks even one of those value and as a spouse are you or are you not a MAJOR part of his life, am I right? I mean isn't it the spouse who raises the kids, makes sure that everything and everybody look and acts right, and isn't it also the spouse who fixes the numerous things that seem to go wrong as soon as his feet hit foreign soil? So why is it not also the values we should live by? we are a reflection of our husband are we not?
Now how do we apply these values to us as spouses?
"Integrity" I have to be honest I actually had to look up the definition of integrity, I wasn't really sure on the meaning and this is what I found

Integrity
/in'tegrite/
Noun
1.the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
2.the state of being whole and undivided.
Again WOW is all I can say to me it's all right there, as an Airforce wife we need to practice all of these qualities not only to make our husbands look good but also to gain the trust of fellow wives especially those that are younger and less experienced, a military spouse is a rare kind of person, it is so extremely hard to kiss your loved one goodbye for who know how long and still be able to carry on busy as usual because no matter how you feel your kids have to know you are ok and when you have a younger spouse watching you they are doing so to learn how to handle things as they arrive. How many times has someone asked you "how do you do it?" That also means that they too are watching you so why in the world would you want to show them anything less the qualities listed in the definition of integrity? You are not only representing the USAF, and your husband, but you are also representing the family that is the military spouse and to frankly honest with you nothing makes me angrier then for ONE spouse to give ALL the rest of us a bad name, you may not want to give it all you have but the rest of us do EVERYDAY, in the same situation you are in we just choose to handle ourselves with "high moral values"
"Service before self" any mother is going to understand where this one comes into play, how many times in the middle of the night does the baby cries and you automatically get out of bed and go to fix the problem, that right there is service before self. However in for a military spouse it goes farther beyond that. When our husband is deployed they constantly have to have their mind in the game and it is our job to keep things running in working order back home so that they are not at work worrying about what is going to happen if the house floods no offense but that is NOT their problem it is ours, there is absolutely nothing they can do there to help the situation, that goes for everything the last thing they need is for ANY drama from home to hit them there, this is a great place for integrity to come into play, show integrity on the home front and there is no drama to hit the deployed location therefore making for a smooth and safe deployment and homecoming. Seem simple enough... Right?
"Excellence in all we do" to me this seems like a simple math equation, 1+1=2 kind of thing if you live by the first two this one should fall into place in my opinion, does that mean we need to be perfect, not at all, to me excellence means to give it your all, I am not a perfect mother but I wake up everyday and give it all I got and I feel like I am a excellent mom and so does my husband. If you give your career (and yes I call it a career for obvious reasons) as a military spouse all you have then not only will your family benefit from it but so will your marriage and your husbands career, you want to be know as that great spouse who welcomes people to their home unannounced and always has things in line rather then that spouse who is constantly causing drama or keeping your spouse from putting the mission first. I learned about 3 years ago that although my husband loves me and our family more then life itself the mission WILL always come first, I like to think of the mission as his other wife. It's hard to accept but the sooner I did that the easier it made life for Josh (the husband) maybe it didn't make my life easier but understanding his train of thought made it an easier pill to swallow so to speak.
Now tell me this, we all want the honor of having the bumper stickers and car tags showing support for our husbands career but why is it that not all of the people sporting those accessories aren't also showing off their ability to live life by the same core values our husband are honored to live by?

Reintegration

*** i found this tonight and I wrote it in May of 2012, shortly after my husband return form his first tour in Korea***




One of my favorite T.V. Shows is Army Wives, I know, I know big surprise a military wife that likes Army Wives lol.  In fact I remember talking to my cousin Monica who is an OIF/OEF (Operation Iraqi Freedom/Operation Enduring Freedom) veteran, one evening when Josh and I were still in the "research"stages of enlisting,  one thing she said to me that night was "...military life is nothing like Army Wives..." I look back now and in my personal military life some of that statement is too and someof it isn't.  Had you tried to explain to me 3 years ago what reintegration was I would have had a huge dumb founded look on my face.  Now after 2 deployments in 6 months Iam starting to get an idea.  When my husband returned from Italy in November wee had little to no issue with reintegrating, I remember one day he tried to explain to me that he was finding it difficult to lay down his "airman" mentality and picking back up the "hubby and daddy" mentality, I remember having one small dispute over family pictures and then next thing you know he is packing for Korea.  So this time I tried to listen more carefully to the advice of other military wives and even people here on base I work with to kinda know what to expect.  Everything thing I heard was how he needed to get used to being back home, and how he needs to step back and find a place to fit back in to.  So I made it a point to start explaining things to him before he came home, little things like where I keep the diapers at and even bigger things like how the baby is used to calling daddy "iPad" which we both got a chuckle out of, i was trying anything I could think of to make the transition easier on him, and then he landed...
You see it started out little and looking back it was another little thing that brought me to my knees so to speak. While Josh was in Korea we filed taxes and bought new living room and bedroom furniture, so with that came some rearranging and alittle bit of a new look to the house. I had moved our dogs kennel into the laundry room so that the baby didn't climb into it anymore. I had also bought 2 new dressers for our room,  I decided to throw away all of our old socks and get Josh and I new socks so to be nice I out Josh's new socks in one of the drawers for him all nice and folded.  Along with the new furniture there was also a new routine, the main one being that on Wednesday's we had family day we would come home and do homework and then go get dinner and then finish the night up with church before coming home and going to bed, I can see the questions forming now, what part of any of that would add a ripple to the joyous event of your husband coming home.  The thing Army Wives don't always show you is how truly difficult it is to sit back and watch thing Shane in front of you for the sake of making it easier on him.  Yes it my dream world nothing could put a damper on the joy of having my husband to myself for 2 weeks before he has to go back to work.  When he first came home he moved the kennel back into the living room, because it would be easier to potty train the puppies.  Then last night we were folding laundry a d deciding who gets what drawers in the new dressers and in his defense I had unknowing out his new socks in what we decided was going to be my dresser and it completely made sense to put his new socks in his dresser but dang it, I made that sock drawer for him when he was gone and dang it that's where I wanted it to stay.  Okay yes I do know how completely ridiculous that sounds trust me because I was awake half the night trying to figure out why it bothered me so much if he out his new sock socks in his new dresser or anywhere for that matter.  I promise we are NOT one is those couples who fight over stupid things, heck we barely fight at all but for some reason that sock drawer was not going to be moved if it was the last things did.  Luckily my Josh understood better then I did what I was going through and simply agreed to leave the sock drawer where it was.  Ever since Josh went to Korea Wednesday's have always been hectic, on top of it being family day i usually have Skye spouse meeting on Wednesday, and today was no different. After Gavin's homework Josh came to me and asked if I cared if he just stayed home from church, as much as I wanted him to go with us I tried to hide my disappointment and I suggested we just take both cars to dinner then after we ate he could go ahead and head home and I would take the boys on to church, I guess I wasn't too good at hiding my disappointment because when it came time to leave he went and showered and then got in my car to drive and went ahead and decided to go with us.  Normally I would have been completely stoked but after the sock drawer incident and now church I felt really guilty and to make matters worse he apologized to me for being selfish, lol.  On the way to dinner I was thinking, he was being selfish for wanting to stay home instead of join the family and I was being selfish by wanting him to go with us, being selfish is a very vicious cycle that is never ending,  to one extreme or another anyone who uses the argument that a person is being selfish is in fact being selfish too.  Then it dawned on me, I was having more of a problem with reintegration that Josh was, I know I slow to catch on to these things.  In my  mind reintegration was a problem for Josh and I had to be patient with him, not the other way around.  Once I realized that our week has gone so much smoother, when I feel like Iam about to loose it I just stop and realize that he had a routine down in Korea and I had a totally different routine here in South Carolina and together we have to find OUR new routine.  Things never go perfect but as long as we are going through it side by side then we will find a perfect solution to any problem that comes up.
Last weekend we went to the Shaw Air Expo, right before the Thunderbirds went in the air for their portion of the show they took a moment to thank all the active duty service members around the world, and then they thanked the family members who stay behind when one of them deploy, as always that show of appreciation brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't help but thank, I have had difficult jobs in my life but being the wife of a service members is by far the hardest job I have ever had, but it is also the one that I love the most.  Nothing in life is easy but an easy life isn't worth living either

Super mom and super spouse all in one day

So a few weeks ago my grandma came out to visit, and it has been so awesome having her here, during the first few days she was here visiting were to me just like normal I would wake up with no plans and within minutes my day was booked solid, I remember her asking me if everyday is like that and I just remember laughing.  She caught on real quick to how crazy my life really is.  So last  night I called to tell my mom-in -law about my day and she told me... "you are always searching for something to write about in your blog you should write about your day today in your blog, so here you guys are for your reading pleasure.
It started in Thursday, I looked at my calendar when I got up and I should have known that something would go crazy because for once my calendar was completely blank for a Friday.  When I was sitting down with the baby for lunch I got an email telling me that we had a key spouse meeting on Friday.  So first thing Friday morning when I got up I did my hair and make up and chose the outfit I was going to wear, and woke up the baby.  After breakfast I enjoyed sitting on the floor playing with the baby for a little bit and watching him and grandma have a pillow fight and play fetch...wait let me clarify Nanny would throw the ball and justice would run after it, no my 80 year old grandma would not chase the ball for Justice.  Before I knew it I was running out of time to get ready and beside my hair and make up I did NOT  look good enough to walk into a classroom for the vision impaired let alone a meeting with the chiefs wife and the first shirt's wife, so now just like usual I am busting my bum to hurry up and get dressed and out the door.  Of course I walk into the meeting a few minutes late, which for me is almost a record.  The meeting went great I walked away feeling better about the program then I had in along time, but I also walked out of the meeting in a hurry...of course because you see Gavin's school was having a book fair and it closed at 1445 and it was already 1415 and I still had to run home and get the money which I conveniently left at home, and it takes me 10 minutes to get through base housing alone.  So at 1440 I pull into Gavin's school parking lot and drag my rear out of the car onto my incredibly sore feet that looked amazing in my 3 inch wedges (mind you I am usually sporting flip flops) get into the school find out that they have one of the two books that Gavin wanted so I had to find ANOTHER Titanic book that I was hoping that he approve of.  On my way home I was thinking how truly blessed my life is, busy and hectic but truly blessed.  When I got home I pulled in and got my purse and my key spouse bag out as I went to the other of the car to get Gavin's books out, Gavin  came out and extremely politely asked me if he could help me get my things in the house...which looking back now should have been my warning...but at the time I was just thinking I didn't have to carry all that stuff in the house by myself lol.  When I walked in my grandma told me that Gavin had something he needed to tell me, immediately Gavin starts crying and telling me that he didn't want to tell me that I would be madder at him then I had ever been before, which to me was rather doubtful but I went ahead and had me tell me... Apparently while he was walking home from the bus stop one of his "friends" was "playing" by jumping in front of on coming cars!?! Now you have to know Gavin to understand the full confusion of this next part,  his "friend" then told him that if he didn't do it too then he was going to punch him?!?! So what does my 7 year old boy do?  He goes ahead and jumps in front of the next oncoming car, first off thank God the car was going slower then the speed limit and stopped as soon and the usually relatively bright 7year steps off the curb, but... Then there was a car behind that one who thankfully took it upon herself to call security forces who were nice enough to escort Gavin home.  Now imagine my utter shock standing in my living room while Gavin is telling me ALL of this, meanwhile Justice (the baby) has walked up and insisted that I hold him during the "story time", every few seconds demands my attention so that he can give me a really gooey and slobbery kisses, lucky me...right? my grandma goes on to explain that not only had Gavin decided to play tag with cars but he had also rode his bike to the bus stop that morning, knowing he was not allowed to do so, without his helmet, knowing it is a base law you have to have on a helmet when riding.  So security forces let Gavin off on a warning and explain the importance of making safe decisions on base and how he has to wear a helmet when riding his bike on base.  All of this happening the week before my husband is to sew on his new promotion.  So instantly I don't know which to more upset about my son being escorted home by security forces or the fact that, had security forces done more then give him a warning Gavin's actions could have jeopardized Josh's promotion.  So after the long talk, and handing out a suitable punishment, which was making him clean his brothers room since I had already cleaned his shortly before grandma got here, we decided it was time to go get something to eat, after we ate one of Gavin's friend's mom called me and asked if Gavin could spend the night and go to the zoo with them on Saturday morning, now I know he just got in a butt ton of trouble and no he didn't deserve to go to the zoo, but why should I be punished too, I have also learned with Gavin that sometimes we just need time apart to help the situation out, so yes I let him go.  After taking Gavin to his friends house I finally get home to relax with my grandma.  And then... It was time to give the baby a bath before bed so I put him in the kitchen sink, as he is sitting on the side of the sink and I am checking the water I turn too look at him and he had gotten the brand new fly tape stuck to his head... Seriously!?! Of course I don't even begin to know how to fix this one lol so I have to get grandma in there to help me,  so after pasting his hair with peanut butter and shampooing a couple of time I finally get to put him to bed and then pull myself into my bed.  As I lay there I begin to think of my life before the military, I used to work for the government too and be a single mom and wow this whole being a military spouse and super mom is seriously the most difficult job I have ever had.

Who wears the rank?

As we are getting ready to mark my husbands "2 years in service", I find myself remembering those first few "scary" months, moving to a new place, meeting new people, and the tons of advice and gossip.  Man I look back at those days and I can not believe it has been 2 years since we embarked on this journey.

I know this post might sound a little hypocritical because at one time I really did agree with the statement when someone made it but after the past few months I don't completely agree with it anymore.

When we first got here I had numerous spouses vent their frustration about spouses that acted like they wore the ranks their husbands did, those comments usually sounded something like this "I hate spouses who think that just because their husband is (insert rank) they too are (insert rank)"  To begin with I agreed because I could totally see how that would be annoying but man after the last 6 or so months I can completely understand why spouses would think that way.  Don't get me wrong I will be the first to admit it WAS NOT me who went through BMT, nor is it me who deploys and goes away from my spouse and children, but let me tell you I work very hard for my husband to earn his rank, at the end of the day he will be the one sewing on that rank but lets be honest who is going to be the one taking those uniforms to the alteration shop? As well as making sure dinner is fixed the house is cleaned, I have a sitter and I look nice for the promotion ceremony, oh and don't forget to pick up the uniform that way he doesn't get in trouble by showing up wearing the wrong rank.   And that's just one day...when he is home, how about the days he is deployed.  He goes to work for 12 hours where he is roomed with anywhere for 3 to 7 other guys so far but he still get a twin size bed to himself and will eventually get at least one day off... hopefully and call us a when he gets a chance, let me tell you about a day in my life when he is deployed.  I sleep in my queen size bed with at least one of our kids who no matter what age they are they take up well over half they bed usually with one of their extremities very heavily laying on me, wake up at 0630 to get the oldest out of bed which is usually a battle (in my opinion somewhat similar to the war zone my husband is in) get him out the door just in time for the baby to wake up yet again, listen to him tell me he wants to watch Elmo for what seems like to 1,500th time that morning alone (I firmly believe they should make terrorists watch Elmo during their interrogations), lay the baby down for his nap in time for the oldest one to come crashing in the door after school in turn waking the baby up, listen to them argue over whether we are going to play video games or watch Elmo yet again eat dinner do homework take baths and go to bed where I then have to read two separate books to them because "Thomas the trains is for babies" and the bible stories are to long for the baby's attention span.  Then sit up until at least 2am talking to Josh, just in time to start the whole process all over again.  The closet thing to a day off I get is the "Give parents a break" nights that the base provides which is 4 hours one Friday a month.  There are some days I think I would gladly trade places with him just for the time he has that he could sleep but then I realize that after doing this routine for as many months as I have been my body clock tells me to wake up after 4 hours of sleep.  Did I go to BMT?  No nor did I get a briefing or did anyone tell me what to expect coming into this no they sure did not.  I wasn't ignorant coming into this I knew it wouldn't be easy but boy was I surprised at how much of an adjustment it was.

So no I don't wear my husbands rank, but I work really hard to make sure that sewing on that rank is a possibility.  I find it rather ironic that many of the same spouses that were venting the complaint about other spouses letting their husbands rank going to their heads were the same ones that like to call themselves the "silent hero's".  Don't get me wrong most military wives are the silent hero's, we hold down the home front while they are on the war front.  But really what is the difference in being the silent hero's and taking pride in the hard work that our we and our husbands put in. I caught myself telling someone the other day that Josh and I had worked hard for his promotion and in almost 4 years of being married I don't think I have ever said anything more true then that (besides how much I love him).  I don't regret any of it nor would I take any of it back Iam so proud of the people we have become in the past 2 years.  Iam very proud to say that my husband is an A1C and TOGETHER we have gotten to this point in our lives and if that makes it sound like I too wear my husbands ranks then I am proud to say it.  

BFF's

I don't know about anyone else but during his deployments I find myself thinking and remembering the past.  Lately I have been doing alot of reminiscing about the past even as far back as highschool.  Which can really make an almost 27 year old woman feel really old lol.
I remember going to school in the morning and meeting my friends I always knew that no matter what my friends Sarah, Heather, Destiny, and Stephanie would be there for me no matter what the situation was.  I remember my senior year when I got in a real bad car accident Sarah, destiny and Heather all came over and brought me an M&M cookie ice cream sandwich (I collected the M&M characters) and later that night an extremely concerned Stephanie came over and helped me wash my hair, and later sat there and held me while the reality of over being killed in a car wreck hit me.  Memories like often pop into my mind.  I look at the lifestyle Josh and I have chosen to live and it often brings me back to highschool in so many ways.  The new adventures and the anxiety that comes with coming into a world that nothing makes sense and you get lost a drop of a hat one wrong turn and your late to wherever your going.  As a girl who wasn't very popular in highchool I just had "cool" friends, this life also reminds of when I used to meet new people at the beginning of a semester.  You know those numerous questions that flooded your mind after that initial conversation..."Did I say something retarded?" "Did I talk to much?" "What are they going to say to their friends about me?".  I know how completely immature I sound but you see I am a people pleaser I enjoy trying to make sure everyone around me is happy and often times find myself being rather critical on myself when it comes to meeting new people.  Another memory is from shortly after we moved to South Carolina one of Josh's Sargent's was having a cookout to celebrate the unit return from a longer then expected TDY to Vegas at this party I met an awesome woman by the name of Jessica, we had a nice conversation, it was so awesome to me while it lasted to get an insight from another spouse as to what to expect she seemed like such a strong and independent woman it was so great to finally talk to a grown up for a change in stead of my 8 month old and at the time 6 year old, who often were the only ones to keep me company in those days.  After that cookout I found those same nagging questions lingering in my head from highschool.  When we came into this life I knew I was a likable person and thought I was a pretty awesome friends, not people can have the same friends since they were in the 6th grade and as blessed as Iam to still have those friends when we came out here it was a whole new world, I hadn't had to make friends in over a decade and now I didn't know how to do it.  That night as I got ready for bed I found myself thinking all those questions that used to nag my mind in highschool.  I remember the uneasy realization of not only had we left our friends and family behind and learn a new kinda demanding lifestyle but now I have to learn ALL over again how to make friends!!! Are you kidding me?  I was 25 years old and to me this should have been something as basic that I should have learned in kindergarten and not forgot it kind of like riding a bike!!
I also remember walking around with Sarah, Heather, Destiny, and Stephanie talking about boys and referring to ourselves as Best Friends and sharing experiences that none of were never supposed to tell anyone about and all those other silly things that 15 to 18 year old girls hold near and dear to our hearts.  Man were those days simple... These days in my life I look at my group of friends and often envy the simpler days of highschool when it seemed like we had forever to get to know one another, and now at the drop of a piece of paper (literally) the friends I have will move to another location and have to go through the uneasy feeling of making new friends.  I find myself making friends and memories like those I made in highschoolhighschool are what make life not only so much more fun but worth taking the adventure that life hands us.  I want to thank all of my friends both past and present.  I want to thank my friends from the past for helping me to make those memories and giving me the reassurance of knowing what good friends are and for the wonderful memories I have of all of us.  And the friends from the present for helping me everyday and for helping me to relearn how to make friends and not only for the numerous memories we already have but for the ones yet to come.  I wouldn't be the person Iam today with the help and fun of all of you.

Deployments.. the good... the bad and the ugly

I need to start off by apologizing apparently my last blog may have offended some people.  I write how I feel at the moment and it again is just my opinion, that doesn't mean it is right or that anyone has to agree with me.  I am sorry if I offended you but again why blog if you cant voice your opinion.


So as I mentioned in my last post my husband is deployed and for some reason this deployment has been a lot rougher then the previous one, I am not sure why to begin with I thought it was the amount of stress we had in those first few weeks (which are always the toughest), and I thought maybe it was the short amount of time he was home between the two (but lets be honest is there ever a certain amount of that is long enough for them to be home?)  And to be completely honest with you I really cannot pin point a particular reason why is has sucked so much this time but man has it.  So I was laying in bed thinking of a good thing to post about at the particular stage in my life and the idea hit me, why not give you guys a peek into my head over the last few weeks, just a warning some of it is good and some of it not so much but really, I wanna meet the person that has the perfect day everyday?
When it came time for husband to deploy last time I hated the idea of him leaving but I was looking forward to the things it meant for our family, he was going to be able to finish some things that work was requiring him to do so that when he was home he could be "home" and not worrying about the many things he still had to do, and I was finally going to be able to know what going through a deployment was like, and to be "that" spouse one of the spouses who can sympathize with the ones of you that had missed their husbands so much, and like I said in my last blog I wanted to know that my husband had earned his promotion.  That deployment meant alot for our family and it was rough, yes but there was always that bright side to the whole situation.  With this one although yet again it has meant great things for our family but to me that just hasn't seemed like enough, go figure. With his first deployment I had friends that stood by my side whether they knew and understood or not what I was going through didn't bother me, now with this one I feel myself feeling secluded, maybe it is of my own doing but in my opinion there are 3 kinds of spouses 1.) the ones who know the emotions of a deployment 2.) the ones who know that eventually they will know the emotions of a deployment and 3.) the ones who will never know the emotions of a deployment (I refuse to go into any more details on that one).  When Josh is deployed the only spouses that seem to be helpful during the emotional part of the deployments is spouses who fall into the fist 2 categories, the ones that fall in the 3rd in a way just seem to bring me down all the more and it almost seems like they enjoy that fact rather they know it or not.  I have had to sit back and evaluate the people I had been spending my time with, which was really heard for me Josh has always been the kind of spouse who will hear me out and help me to make sense of the thoughts I am having and whether the decision is good or bad in a way he helps me make that decision and lets be honest who really wants to waste time on an international phone call whining because your friends seem to treating you differently,  especially seeing as how they only know one side of the emotions, the last thing I want to do is put that kind of stress on Josh while he is going through his own part of the deployment.  To my friends it seems like Iam the one being rude or distant and maybe Iam but in my eyes its the complete opposite.  And maybe one day it will all make sense but as of now it doesn't, in any ones opinions but sometimes that is just how life works. 
So far this deployment it has been few and far between but the few things I have found to be good in this deployment is that we do stand to be making more money then we do when he is here, that it gives me more of a chance to find that inner independent woman, I get to create friendships and new bonds with some very amazing spouses, and boy let me tell you the first few moments, days and weeks when he gets home are going to some of the most memorable days of my life (and I think we all know why), and I am so blessed to be able to look forward to falling in love all over again with one of the most amazing men and hero's I have had the pleasure to have in my life.  When I think of those few things I manage to get through the days one at a time and ever so slowly the days tick by and soon enough my hero will home and back in my arms and I can think about that and go to sleep tonight with a smile on my face.

I love you Josh with all of my being forever... and ever!